Stick on any movie under the banner of production house Platinum dunes and you would be mistaken for thinking you were watching different movies from the same director. The fact of the matter is seven men between them have made eight movies under the supervision of Fuller, Form and Bay (Marcus Nispel made two, the equally terrible Texas Chainsaw and Friday the 13th remakes). You wouldn’t think it though. They look fucking identical.
Despite their insistence in making horror movies, Platinum Dunes, a company part owned by the antichrist of cinema himself, Michael Bay, are a troupe that continue to fail in their understanding of the genre. Despite throwing buckets of grue at the screen I can’t think of a single tangible moment in any of their back catalogue that is remotely scary. For the most part, the films are bland retreads of a better film, lacking any tension or any reason for existing.
Imagine my surprise then when it turned out that the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street was not terrible. It’s not particularly good either but considering the Dunes last effort was the entirely hateable redux of Friday the 13th, literally anything will be a step up.
I have been a Freddy fan for years (more so than the likes of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Pinhead at any rate) so you would say that my like for this film, and I use the word “like” loosely, is somewhat biased but what I was presented with here was an entirely needless but breezy horror picture that takes itself way too seriously but never bores. Directed by pop promo legend Samuel Bayer, the man behind the Smells Like Teen Spirit music video, he at least has a better understanding of pacing than Nispel, who edited his Friday remake to the point of eye gouging boredom within the first twenty minutes. Despite the cack handed and lengthy back story for Kruger, for the most part it at least feels like a Nightmare picture and I kinda liked the darker tone in contrast to the Vegas Freddy of Nightmares 4 - 6. Hayley as Kruger, despite the initial anger at it not being Englund, injects his take on the character with a spiteful malice, delivering Kruger’s trademark one liners with hunched shoulders and a wry smile. He’s sinister in a deeply uncomfortable way.
The same cannot be said for the rest of the cast who, apart from maybe Kyle Gallner who is perfectly fine, plod their way through the proceedings with the charm of a diorama. Rooney Mara as Nancy is terrible, staring at Freddy with a look of indifference when she should be shitting herself and Katie Cassidy as Kris (the Tina role in the original) definitely looks way too old to be in high school. These complaints are unsurprising.
Its ok I guess. Like I said, I didn’t hate it. There is not a single memorable moment (no tongues coming out of the phone, no geysers of blood spewing from beds) and, in true Dunes fashion, it relies too much on cheap jumps scares but I wasn’t as offended as I thought I’d be.
At any rate, it’s better than Nightmares 4, 5 and 6.
3/5
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